Monday, November 21, 2011

An open letter to the mothers in the news who have lately been making up kidnapping stories..

Hey assholes.  STOP IT.   For reals.

To clarify, I'm not talking about what actually happened to each of your kids.  That part is incredibly sad, but not why I'm here.    I'm here about this whole "Oh, someone took my kid" thing.   Yeah.  STOP IT.   

Do you have any idea how much you are freaking out mothers across the country?   At night, my house now gets a zombie lock-down equivalent to Will Smith's I Am Legend.   As I parent, I realize it is logical to be careful in securing the safety of your child, and that there is nothing wrong with a locked door.   But you guys KEEP REPORTING these scary fake stories about babies being stolen from cribs, which is giving us an irrational level of fear about zombies child thieves breaking into our houses.   And also?  We're going to be weird FOREVER about putting gas in our cars with our kids inside, even when we are right next to the car.    Jerks.

In addition, I must say that you are giving me a very, very weird internet browsing history at work.   The network guys are going to start wondering why I keep obsessively googling "missing 2 year old" over and over and OVER again.   You are making me be WEIRD about this.

And I have enough things to be weird about.   There is that awful business at Penn State, where there were real life monsters who were actually hurting people.   I am starting to attempt frantic "no one should be touching your penis unless they are changing your diaper... and you're poopy...and the poop is on your penis" conversations with my 2 year old, which totally does not accomplish anything other than causing him to say "This PENIS... THIS penis." 

On behalf of all mothers, I am begging you.    Stop making that awful stuff up.   I mean, stop doing the horrible stuff in the first place, obviously, but REALLY really, stop cooking up these horrible scenes with imaginary baby thieves coming in and taking your children away.   I'm just trying to give my kid a normal, happy childhood.   And it is really hard to have a normal, happy childhood when a kid's mother is afraid.

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